i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Do not go gentle into that good night,
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once