“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
You Might Also Like
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Best spot.. 😅
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.