Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]