*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
The best shot in the history of golf
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.