WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.