I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
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My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
This could be us but you eatin’
A fake ID that makes you younger
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.