Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain鈥檛 got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Nomnomnomnom
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 馃槼
Just weighed myself. I鈥檇 strongly advise against y鈥檃ll doing that.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
anytime I meet someone who doesn鈥檛 like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa