It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Care for your back
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
So inspired right now.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy