There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.