A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
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[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.