Wise advice
You Might Also Like
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.