CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”