Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
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[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
who wants to go expliring
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK