I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.