“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
You Might Also Like
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke