Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet