If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
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oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight