I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank