and now we wait
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2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading