{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
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[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]