Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
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Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.