Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
A completely valid reaction tbh
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
#dalle2
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.