Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos