Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
You Might Also Like
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
What a year we’ve had this week.