My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
stop
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”