[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
No laws when master is gone
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.