Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
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Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next