My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
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Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”