going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Jupiter
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*