I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
You Might Also Like
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?