Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
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To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Shower sex be like:
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.