If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
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Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.