A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
You Might Also Like
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors