Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
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I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
This is always good for a laugh.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.