Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Driving in Europe vs Canada
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]