I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I feel this so hard