I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
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Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep