You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
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me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend