Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
OH. COME. ON.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.