Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
You Might Also Like
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*