Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?