[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
You Might Also Like
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.