wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
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[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.