Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
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Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?