I swear some people should be banned from cooking
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Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I forgot how to panic. Help
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees