robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
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I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?