My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
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It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Catering service
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Fluff me with a fork baby
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.