parents: you are what you eat
kids:
You Might Also Like
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Life hack
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I have never related to a cat more
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Birds & Planes.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.