Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem