Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans